A whole new world.

Fictional characters responsible for my sexual awakening:

Aladdin

Rufio from Hook

Shawn from Boy Meets World

My younger self found bad boys hot. My older self finds a good credit score hot. 

A day in the life.

6:00 AM — Ugh. Tired. Need sleep. That baby can make his own damn bottle. 

9:00 AM — Morning nap for baby. Morning nap for me. 

9:30 AM — Stupid baby. 

4:00 PM — I’m so going to sleep early tonight. I can’t wait! 

8:00 PM — I’ll watch one more show, then off to bed!

9:00 PM — Bed time!

9:13 PM — Well, then. Glad I saved up all the things I could think about so I could think about them now. 

10:47 PM — So that’s how a bill becomes a law… 

11:18 PM — I’m. So. Tired. Please. Brain. Turn. Off. 

1:04 AM — Brain considers plea.

1:27 AM — Stupid baby cries for pacifier.

1:30 AM — Zzz…

6:00 AM — Ugh. Tired. Need sleep. That baby can make his own damn bottle. 

Real quick, tho.

Why can’t men have resting asshole face? I mean, if an expressionless woman is considered to have resting bitch face, surely men can have a comparable equivalent. I mean, that is if it doesn’t effect their precious widdle ego. 

Period.

Why vaginal bleeding? Why not a monthly runny nose or hangnail? Why does blood have to signal the all-clear in my baby maker? Because I swear, if my husband had to bleed once a month for 40-some-odd years, he’d kill himself. 

#blessed

Things you say when you have a six-year-old boy:

Why is there toothpaste on the wall/toilet seat/floor/tub?

What do you mean you lost your shoe?

You have to change your shirt/underwear/socks. 

Did you wipe your butt? BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE YOU FORGOT. 

Wash your hands. (But I already diiiiiid.) DO IT AGAIN. WITH SOAP. 

Take your hand out of your pants. 

Let me just stop what I’m doing so I can tend to your needs.

My children are selfish assholes. 

But they’re MY selfish assholes. 

Also, where in the manual does it say I’m supposed to be their entertainment? I don’t seem to have the same parenting manual they do.